Petition to remain

Due to the COVID-19 virus outbreak, the College has decided all students must vacate their dormitories and leave campus by Sunday, March 15. Please fill out this petition if there are extraordinary circumstances that make it impossible for you to leave by this time.

Listen, I don’t think you realize all the things you’re dropping here. There is a lot to get done. Let me be the one to stay.

I can clean up all the dorm halls full of trash after the move-out, fridges moldering, front door swinging like a Western saloon.

I am the picture of sustainability: all the chicken pucks and curly fries in the freezers will not go to waste.

I know you won’t stop fundraising, so let me be the Face of the College, laughing on livestream with a pretend friend offscreen, painting purple under my eyes for the big game.

I exemplify dedication—this empty gym the stage for my free-throw practice—and finally can pass the swim test, leaving one perfect wake behind me.

I’ll Occupy. I’ll disperse. I will bystand. I’ll post flyers by night, and my face will drain to read them the next morning.

I can work Commencement this year—only one chair to wrangle!—and Reunions too. I can wear a straw hat and stand in for the Class of 1970.

I will stay so clean, I’ll wash my hands until the whole playlist finishes, then work those dispensers till they sing like a fax machine a cappella group.

I’ll prepare the way for reconciliation: this summer I’ll plant a pathway of asters between the President’s suite and the office of the junior faculty denied tenure.

I—a math minor—will lower the flag to half-mast, and then to a statistically accurate point nearer the grass.

I will make the beds with hospital corners, put up a first slide on the screen, and someday welcome those who find their way back to recreate the College.